I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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