Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
