turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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