I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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