Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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