my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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