Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
