Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
