This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Welp...herpes.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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