it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
