the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
