make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
