I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
