Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
did you just send me my own nude
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
