Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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