last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
