so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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