wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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