i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i now understand why vodka
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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