I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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