this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
