i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
