Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
