Who wears a wallet chain?!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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