tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
