Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
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