Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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