Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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