the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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