Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
