that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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