Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
