9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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