I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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