i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
