I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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