i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
