Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just forgot I was standing up.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
