come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
