My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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