I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
