I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
