Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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