and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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