shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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