I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
