My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
