alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
