When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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