And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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