How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
