I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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